Imperfect Goodbyes

Most living beings don’t have the opportunity to have a perfect goodbye when the friends, family, and creatures they love die. More frequently than not, death comes too quickly, takes too long, or is, sadly, uncomfortable to sit with. All we can do is embrace the “good” in what we and our loved ones are experiencing and make the best of what we’re given. 

I preface this post with this bittersweet note because, in years past, I thought that studying death and working to make a plan for a “good death” for me, my pets, and my family members meant I and my loved one could avoid any pain, discomfort, or uncertainty when the dying process started. But, as the years have gone on, I’ve realized that while you can prepare for dying and death, you can’t plan for it.

Processing Imperfection

Given that all of us will likely experience an imperfect death at least once in our lifetime, it’s helpful to consider what we do and do not have control over in these frustrating situations.

1. In most cases, you don’t have control over how a death occurs. With our animal friends, we sometimes have the opportunity to plan humane euthanasia, which is a wonderful gift, but this isn’t always the case. If you experience an unexpected death, know that your loved one knew you cared about them, and if you were their caregiver, you did everything in your power to make their life comfortable and joy-filled.

2. You have control over the narrative you tell yourself following a loved one’s death. While at times this can feel impossible to view in a positive light, you could process with:

• Trusted and safe surviving loved ones

• A therapist or grief counselor

• A grief group

• Online grief and loss communities

3. Allow yourself to process in your own time. While we, unfortunately, live in a world where everything moves a million miles a minute, you have the right to slow down and take time to work through what you’ve witnessed and what you’re feeling. This isn’t always easy, as many of us lead lives with packed schedules or work very fast-paced or multiple jobs to survive, but you could try to:

• Set a timer for a given amount of time each day to feel all your feelings. You can scream, journal, cry—whatever helps (as long as it’s not destructive to you or others) to work through these challenging emotions.

• Start each day by reflecting on the fact that you’re doing your best and that sometimes, that won’t be good enough for some people, but that’s ok. Respect your pace and give yourself grace.

Letting Go of Perfection

I hope if you’re reading this and you’re feeling grief due to your or your loved one’s imperfect death, I want you to know that:

• What you experienced was devastating; I’m sorry you had to go through it.

• What you experienced was beautiful; I’m thankful your loved one had you.

• You did the best you could; it’s ok that it was imperfect.

• You aren’t alone; many of us understand.